The Future

And thank fuck for that.

My first, and last thoughts regarding George W. Bush.

What a CUNT.

Fat Kid Metal Karaoke

Because it’s funny. I salute you, James Michael Elliot.

[Stolen from MetalSucks.net]

So I was listening to Chinese Democracy…

Guns N' Fucking Roses

Before we continue, point yourself over to the sexy new Music Towers site and check out my review of Chinese Democracy. Yes, the new album by Guns N’ Roses.

Now, being one of the most anticipated records of the last 20 years, Chinese Democracy is what the record industry would describe as a “Big Deal”. In the time since the last GnR studio album release in 1991, things have changed – these days acts find their albums leaked onto the internet and playing everwhere from upstate New York apartment to some mud hut in the Amazon basin months. So instead of the usual practice of sending out promo copies to journalists, myself and a clutch of other writers were summoned on Friday to the UK headquarters of Universal Records, for a playback. They weren’t taking any chances on this one.

So I’m sitting there, and I’m one of the first people in the UK not working with the band to hear this record. Regardless of how good the actual album is, it hit me that this is probably one of the best perks of the job. For all the shit money, hours wasted watching terrible support bands, and transcribing interviews with bands that wouldn’t know a quotable line if it shot them up the arse with a harpoon, it’s stuff like this that is the equivalent of my end-of-year bonus.

I’m a big Guns fan. Appetite For Destruction is still one of the contenders for Best Debut Album Ever in my personal Lists. Even with his fucking mentalism, even with the ridiculous rotating line-up Slash quit, I still love this band. I even managed to enjoy Axl Rose’s childish temper-tantrums at Download 2006. This is an album that millions – millions - of people will buy when it comes out in a week’s time. There are probably Guns fans who would punch their own children to get this kind of access. And I’m sitting there, scribbling some notes onto my pad, and listening to the new record. Yeah, I’m pretty damn pleased with myself at this point.

So yeah, go back and read my review on MusicTowers again. Then go read the Thrash Hits review, written by Raz Rauf. Then go and buy Chinese Democracy anyway, because after 17 bloody years, I doubt anything any critic has to say will affect your decision.

Uniquely Negative

I’ll be honest, it’s not often a member band contacts you out-of-the-blue to comment on a review you’ve written about their album.

First I receive a cryptic message via Facebook that simply says:

do you write for Music Towers?

I thought it was just someone I’d met at a party or something and forgotten, so I sent a ‘Sorry to sound like a twat, but I can’t remember you. How did we meet?” stock-response. To which I received the following:

we haven’t met.
I’m the singer of [Band Name].
You reviewed our record [Album Title].
Our album, like all music, is not for everyone.
I’ve read rave reviews for the disc, and I’ve seen people rip it apart.
But I’ve never seen any writer discourage the reader from actually buying it, like “please don’t buy this record”.
That was pretty negative, uniquely so.
But that’s your right.
In your day-to-day, it’s your role to tell your readers how you felt about what you listened to.
I wanted to let you know that I didn’t like that part.

Now this came almost a year to the day after the review in question went up. I know this because I had to check that it had been me that had even written the review this chap was ear-aching over. I certainly didn’t remember it at first, but reading the review back again, I was reminded of just how awful it was.

Was he Googling his own band? Did he stumble across this review by accident? Is he trying to find out where I live in order to break my face open with the flat edge of a steam iron? I wanted to ask all of these questions, but to do so seemed like I was dwelling, nay revelling in the negative attention my review had garnered.

It is a fucking terrible album though.

A Weekend of Heavy Metal Absurdities

I love that heavy metal isn’t sensible. I love that it is incapable of showing any self-restraint in the face of its own ridiculousness. Don’t get me wrong – I love metal right down to my bones and my blood – but it does naturally engender itself to ludicrous situations – and this weekend was no exception.

First off there was the collapse of the XL Leisure Group, the UK’s third largest package holiday group, which left thousands of British tourists stuck abroad. What’s so metal about that? Well step forward Bruce Dickenson, Iron Maiden frontman, airline captain, and all-round good egg, who came to the rescue for a planeload of passengers stuck in Sharm el-Sheikh (skip to 1:05 if you can’t be bothered to wait):

It doesn’t get any less OTT closer to home. The entire metal community is talking about the release of Metallica’s Death Magnetic tomorrow. Whether it’s people blogging about how it’s a return to the good old pre-Black Album days, or snide messageboard posts about how it’s over-hyped still-rubbish Metallica, people are talking about it more than any other metal album in years. Metallica’s transition from Napster-crushing internet spoilsports to fully-fledged web-marketing pioneers needs a blog entry all of its own (hint: see next week’s entries).

The most metal magazine ever. Probably.

So far, so sensible. But the furore has spread way beyond the internet, into print publishing. Every magazine with even the slightest inclination to cover rock or metal has gone Metallica-crazy. Metal Hammer decided that a normal magazine wasn’t metal enough to mark the release of Death Magnetic, so their next issue will have a special limited edition that will literally be encased in actual metal.

As genius as this is one on level, on another it’s just seven hatstands short of sanity.